Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
