Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
