make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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