Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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