I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
