mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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