Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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