I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
