I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
