We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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