I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
