Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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