we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
