Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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