first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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