You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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