No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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