8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
