hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize