Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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