Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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