I think my fart just growled at me.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize