if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
