I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Blood and glitter go together right?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
