so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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