If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize