You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
