so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
