Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
