Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
