My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize