So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
