I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
