Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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