I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
