thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
worst night to have a conscience
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
