I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
