My room smells like vodka and shame
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
