Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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