Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
