omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
