I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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