I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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