...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think your dad took our porno
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
