man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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