So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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