You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize