my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
As shirtless as possible
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
