I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
