checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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