I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize