just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
