I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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