you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
